Seeking inspiration

This afternoon I was thinking of how uninspired I’ve been lately, blaming most of it on the harsh winter. In the twelve years since I returned to New York, I don’t remember it being this cold for so long. I’ve stayed mostly indoors and I’m starting to lose it; and just when I decide that it is time for the girls to get out, another snow stormed has been announced. 

I keep blaming the weather for my lack of motivation. I feel that, lately, I've been failing as a parent by not being as creative as I should be with the girls' activities. My mind has been wandering about too many places and issues without really focusing on the small, yet important stuff. My daughter has been asking me for two days to play ‘restaurant’ with her and somehow other things get in the way and we end up postponing it for the next day. It's not that I have neglected them completely (I do read with them, complete puzzles, play games and paint), but I know that I could do better and focus a hundred percent on them while we're together, instead of thinking of five other things at the same time. I also have a cold and it's not helping.

I was just reading a post about struggling to move forward and focus on solutions, doing whatever is necessary for our kids and I thought, why am I stuck in such unproductive and negative place? Why am I not focusing on solutions, on being a better parent?  It’s time to shake off the negativity and create a schedule, come up with new games and activities to do with the girls. After all, it is my luck that I get to be with them all day and I know this won’t last. Soon I'll be working again and will then be wishing to be here, stuck at home with my girls because it’s too cold to go anywhere and we don’t have a good enough reason to get out of our pj's. Instead of waiting for it, I need to start seeking inspiration, or rather, open my eyes to the possibilities that lie within the everyday.

New Year

So 2014 arrived somewhat fast, it did not make itself wait. I would have loved to stall it a bit and take a moment to think of the year that had passed and wait for the new one with open arms, organize my thoughts, give it a welcome party along with a list of things that we'd tackle upon its arrival. But no, instead it found me in my pj's, with a messy house while making preparations for a birthday party that was already two weeks late. I hope it didn't mind me not paying much attention to it. I am now trying to catch up with the new year, get him up to speed with all that's happened, share resolutions and mostly start a new and positive friendship, with lots of projects and good stuff ahead of us. 

Let's see how it goes. 

A selfish post

I have not been feeling my best these past couple of weeks. I've failed miserably in my momma role and though my husband might argue otherwise, I feel like I haven't been "there", there being that place or state of mind where I am in control, excited about doing art projects with the girls, keeping them busy and away from the TV, focused completely on them. Instead, my mind has been overtaken by thoughts of returning to a full time job and everything that goes along with that. Not so long ago, I was not ready or even thinking to start job searching and I wanted to be at home with the girls for at least a year; but the past two weeks have not been easy and I think my feelings have changed. I love my girls very much, more than words can say but there's a void inside me that needs to be tended to. This may sound selfish and not quite the motherly thing to say out loud but, a part of me needs space to breath and grow, time to do things that I love or make me feel productive, things that are not completely tied to homemaking and motherhood. I truly believe that if I had more support or if my mother lived closer these words would not cross my mind.

I have a lot of thinking to do. I should also mention that the whole returning to work thing is not coming from a completely selfish place: I've also been thinking of their future and while being at home is great for their present, it doesn't help pay for future expenses, like college. Anyway, there's plenty of thinking left do to. In the meantime, my focus must return to my girls because this just might be my only chance to be their everything.

Here are the pictures that reminded me of what I've been missing out on these past couple of weeks while my mind has been wandering elsewhere:

Do something

I have not been able to sleep much lately. My thoughts and ideas keep running in circles and I feel that I need to stop and listen; the thing is, they all want to speak at the same time and it's becoming hard for me to pause and think, prioritize, decide which I want to follow through. These ideas/thoughts are all about what I'd like to do. You see, I can't just be a stay at home mom, not that there's anything wrong with that but, my creative self needs to breath and be active because otherwise, she just drives me insane and complains until my head can no longer put up with her frustration. I need to feel that I'm part of something else besides my family and home, that I've created something I can feel proud of, something that connects me to others, something that feeds my artistic soul. Anyway, these thoughts I was referring to are mainly about blogging and photography. I'm not sure what to do with this blog: should I delete it, continue writing sporadically, have two blogs (because I want to keep writing in spanish), what exactly should the content be about, etc. Regarding photography, I would like to take it more seriously and maybe start a business; for this, I have tons of ideas but I'm lost in when/how to start. I also have the accessories shop, which is probably last on my list, but it's definitely something I need to tackle.  As you can see, I have much to think about. Or maybe I should think less and actually DO something.

---------------------------------------

A couple of extras:

- Books of Wonder: If you haven't been to this bookstore, you should definitely stop by. I went last week to buy a gift for a birthday girl and just loved their classics collection, their helpful staff and how they've catalogued books by age and themes. It's like a toy store minus the toys.

- The park this weekend:

Unemployed and with a new role

I had not had a chance to talk about it until now. As of January 16th, I became officially unemployed. I had been wanting to leave my job for a long time now. After eleven years, you need to feel challenged and motivated in order to come through every day, especially when you're a mom and your children are the top priority on your list (and forever present your mind). Though I wished for it many times, the moment I had the chance to do it, I hesitated; it was too soon and I was not ready for such a huge change. 


For the past few months, my husband and I have realized that our lives are changing and we need to seek the best living situation for our family; in other words, find a place and city where we can all be happy and where our girls can thrive and have a good education, someplace we can live in for years to come, a place we can call 'home'. And so because there's much to do before moving to where ever we'll be moving to, having a full time job and taking care of the girls doesn't quite help to move things along. That's how the decision to quit my job came up, on one December evening, a month and a half before I said goodbye to the place that had become my second home. It was quite bittersweet: excitement for not having to deal with the commute and the frustration of being late for work every day and not being completely “there” for my kids and, on the other hand, sadness for leaving behind my good friend of ten years, the desk that had become my refuge from the madness at home and, where I felt most comfortable when it came to writing and thinking. It's strange but, I will miss that desk, the corner of room 806.

It's been two weeks now and to be honest, I haven't missed the office much yet but, of course, I'm currently on vacation. I immediately distanced myself from my reality so we'll have to wait until I'm back in New York, home and without a job for the first time in eleven years (yes, I'm repeating myself but hey, a lot goes down in eleven years; not something to take lightly). I'm not even sure that I want to face my reality back home. I love my children and I'm glad I have the chance to be there for them. I'm aware of how fortunate I am to have the opportunity to enjoy their childhood, to watch them grow, to be a bigger part of their lives but, I'm afraid of being a STAY at HOME mom. I even have a hard time saying those words.

Being a SAHM is not what I had envisioned for myself. Not that I think it's a bad thing for I have huge respect for those women that can raise their children well, maintain a clean home and prepare decent meals every day. It's a job like any other only that it's a much more important one. But I'm afraid of failing, of not being capable, of thinking less of myself for not having the successful career I once dreamed of.

I'm not sure of how things will turn out and I'm quite scared of what awaits me. I want to be that happy mother I read about in blogs, moms who seem to do it all and are always smiling. I know that there's much more behind the happy faces but I can't help comparing myself, wondering if I'm raising my kids well enough.

There's a lot to think about before returning to New York. I have the daunting task of deciding where my family will be living the next few years and, anyone that knows me well can imagine how stressful decision making is for me, especially if other people are involved.

I think I've written and rambled quite a bit. More to come on this decision I have to reach. Right now, I'm in what used to be my bedroom during my teenage years, enjoying the quiet night and oddly cool weather.

Staying in on rainy days

Walking down Houston on a rainy day in New York City, 2006.

It rained for most part of the day today. Though I don't like getting wet while getting to work or to pick up my girls, I do love rainy days; especially when I get to stay home and watch from my window. My current apartment doesn't allow me to enjoy the view, I mean, looking out my window all I see is someone else's living room or kitchen. Not fun. I remember living in Great Neck or Briarwood and just enjoying the sound of water falling, watching it slip down the glass, form small puddles on my fire escape or lawn. I know this living arrangement is only temporary so, for now, I can only reminisce.

There's also something terribly sad and romantic about the rain; and, though it may seem cold and inconvenient, it's conducive to building warm memories with loved ones and if alone, to creative afternoons. I've been most creative when alone and it's raining. There is no better time to reflect, organize or catch up with things. Right now, I may be too busy for any of this but, there will always be rainy days and it's just a matter of time for us to reconnect.

In search of a way

For the past few weeks, I've wanted to update the shop with a ton of new ideas I have in my mind and it's been almost impossible. Every day I plan to make time for creating these new items but I end up falling asleep while putting the girls to bed. I wake up at one or two AM and I have yet to wash the bottles, shower, pick up the kids' mess and organize their bags for the next day. It is then too late to do anything. The idea that I can’t commit to my plans or do anything besides being a mom is taking the best of me lately and it’s making me go down a path I really can’t afford to take. I can't afford to be miserable all  the time or resent myself for all I'm incapable of doing. I have two girls that depend on me and my well being. Somehow I have to find the way to be content with myself and who I am so that I don't ruin what could be a life of wonderful memories with my girls. I need to find a way...

Unsure of where I'm heading

I can't make up my mind these days; it seems like it's all over the place, with a trillion ideas and things I'd like to do or think would be fun to make, refusing to settle on a single project. For months now, I've been planning to open an accessories shop: hair clips and headbands for little girls. I've made a bunch of hair clips, purchased hundreds of dollars worth of supplies, spent countless hours on my computer researching business ideas and models, looking at what other people do and comparing one with the other, trying somehow to find my place in the handmade world/business. My shop is practically set, I just have to let go of my fear and do it, click a button and launch my site. Something is stopping me and while I insist on it being perfect, my mind is also suggesting several other things that I could be creating.  Stopping by the bookstore this evening and looking through craft magazines and books has only made it worst. Now I'm thinking maybe I should make handbags. Crazy, right?

I want to create and I'd love to make a living doing something I enjoy. Somehow I feel that I won't be happy making several copies of the same item, I've discovered there's not much fun in that. But what if that's an excuse to not move forward, what if I'm feeding into my fears? Perhaps I'll love interacting with people and have them appreciate and buy things I do… I don't know, I don't know exactly where I want to go or do. I'm stuck.