Peek-a-boo

My little girl has learned how to play peek-a-boo. This moment was the highlight of my day, a simple Saturday at home with lots of laughter and cuddles.

Happiness has a name

Commuting to work today was terrible.  Such long train rides get me thinking and questioning things over and over. I start to wonder about the path my life has taken, where I am, where I’m going and where would I be if… Ah, those wonderful ifs… I started thinking about the word ‘happiness’ and a way to define it. If I  could find the way to define it, it would only take one word, a name actually: Stella. She’s the only thing that keeps me going right now and, although she’s the reason I’ve lost track of who I am and I find myself struggling with this at times, she’s also the only reason I have worth fighting for.

Oh, how it hurts

It hurts to leave you each morning. I say goodbye with a smile and a funny face, trying to make sure you’re calm and content when I walk out the door. You have no idea how much I’d rather stay and not have to leave you with someone who’s just a temporary fix, someone that won’t play a part in your life, someone to who you are nothing more than a job, a means to solve her problems. It hurts to know that time is fleeting and, before I know it, we’ll be celebrating your first year while I regret the time spent away from you, the memories that never had a chance.

Missing you

Dear Stella,

I miss you. I didn’t have a chance to spend much time with you before heading to work this morning because I was running late and you woke up a bit later than usual. I didn’t even get to feed you, Elsa did. Yesterday she told me that you missed me, that she could tell. I hope this is true. I do get the feeling that you’re starting to notice when I leave; you almost cried twice this week as I left and you cannot imagine how happy you made me yesterday when you got all excited to see me return.

I don’t know, I guess I’m having one of those days… I got sad to hear that you did not want my brothers to carry you when they stopped by today. It saddens me that you don’t know them as well as I’d like you to. It hurts to know that my family is not close enough to see you often and be a part of your life. They love you so much. I’m sure that, as you grow, you will get to realize this.

Anyway, I will see you soon, just a couple more hours left of my workday. You are the only thing that can easily make me smile. Indeed you are the light of my life, the one thing I look forward to every single day. I love you.

Seven months

Stella will be seven months this Sunday.  As most mothers will tell you, time is flying and my baby is growing all too quickly. She has changed my life in so many obvious ways but also in ways that I could never fully explain. I guess other mothers can relate and somehow understand.

I remember holding her tight one night (she was perhaps five or six days old), as I whispered in her ear how much I loved her and I couldn’t help shedding a tear. It is then when I realized what it was like to feel that love that you often hear about from other moms and though you think you get it, it’s not even close to what one can imagine. There are things I do because of her that I would never ever do, not even for myself. It’s the most selfless love, a natural inclination and need to protect this human being, to be it’s everything, leaving aside whatever priorities existed before it. It is as if your existence depended on this child. Yes, it should be the other way around and it is, but one’s perspective on life changes with a child, and as overwhelming and frustrating as this can be, it’s something one does not regret.

Going back to Stella’s seventh month, things haven’t changed much in her world. She can sit for a while; roll her way wherever she needs to go; turn over on her own while sleeping (which is a big deal since I feel she sleeps more deeply and comfortably); jump higher on her jumparoo; make a funny face (resembling an old lady); and, continues to babble all day long. I feel that she did not learn as many new things as last month but she is growing rapidly and is healthy, which is all that matters.

I’m yearning to hear mama again and can’t wait to see her crawl but I guess she’ll do so in her own time. For the moment, I’m trying to spend as much time with her when I get home every night, hoping that the love I give her will make up for my absence during the day.